Dairy Free Coconut Scones
When we visited Lonnie's parents in Maryland a few years ago, it was in the midst of a huge snowstorm. We snuck in right before it dumped at least three feet of snow; the city slowed to a halt, and we were stuck. It was lovely! I love snow, myself; I never had much of it growing up, and really enjoyed it when living in Minnesota. Ah, an actual change of seasons (other than rain, grey sky, rain, clouds, rain, glimpse of sun , rain)!
This was also back when I was still teaching, and was exhausted and sick, as usual, and Lonnie was laid up with a broken arm and hard core pain meds. Being able to sleep in, lounge around the house, go for a walk around the neighborhood in the snow, then lounge some more and read by the fire was a joy. We played a lot of Mah Jongg in the evening, and in the morning, stretched out on a blanket in front of the fireplace with tea, coffee, and scones. Scones, a breakfast delight I had actually never attempted and we therefore had not enjoyed since Lonnie had diagnosed his dairy allergy! A scone without butter or cream! Could it be true? They are even delicious in the summer, on the patio with shorts and flip flops and the newspaper. Or (more likely) in front of the computer reading blogs, dropping crumbs and jam in the cracks of the keyboard....
Dairy-free Coconut Scones
1 3/4 cups flour
2 Tablespoons sugar
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/3 cup dairy-free margerine
1/2 cup (packed) sweetened or shredded coconut
1/2 cup rolled oats
2 eggs
1/2 cup coconut milk
Preheat oven to 375. Sift dry ingredients together into large bowl. Cut margerine into dry ingredients. Add coconut and oats, stir until combined. Beat eggs, setting aside a tablespoon or so. Whisk remaining eggs with coconut milk, then add to flour mixture. Stir together until just combined, then turn out onto a floured work surface. Knead a few turns, then shape into a round flat disk, about 1 inch thick.
Cut into eight wedges, and transfer to a baking stone, baking sheet lined with a silicone baking mat or parchement paper (or greased). Brush scones with reserved egg, and sprinkle with sugar. Bake 20-22 minutes, transfer to rack to cool.
Serve with jam, of course, and plenty of tea or coffee.
29 Jul · Fri 2005
A great open adoption story ...
Just discovered a great story about open adoption over at Vindauga. Yes! I never get tired of reading stories like this. Here are Lisa V's posts about her experiences with open adoption; start from the bottom post and read up.
Just discovered a great story about open adoption over at Vindauga. Yes! I never get tired of reading stories like this. Here are Lisa V's posts about her experiences with open adoption; start from the bottom post and read up.
28 Jul · Thu 2005
Here's one of my favorite poems...
A Ritual to Read to Each Other By William Stafford If you don’t know the kind of person I am and I don’t know the kind of person you are a pattern that others made may prevail in the world and following the wrong god home we may miss our star. For there is many a small betrayal in the mind, a shrug that lets the fragile sequence break sending with shouts the horrible errors of childhood storming out to play through the broken dike. And as elephants parade holding each elephant’s tail, but if one wanders the circus won’t find the park, I call it cruel and maybe the root of all cruelty to know what occurs but not recognize the fact. And so I appeal to a voice, to something shadowy, a remote important region in all who talk: though we could fool each other, we should consider — lest the parade of our mutual life get lost in the dark. For it is important that awake people be awake, or a breaking line may discourage them back to sleep; the signals we give — yes or no, or maybe — should be clear: the darkness around us is deep. From The Way It Is: New & Selected Poems by Graywolf Press, 1998.
Kelp Circle, 2005
A Ritual to Read to Each Other By William Stafford If you don’t know the kind of person I am and I don’t know the kind of person you are a pattern that others made may prevail in the world and following the wrong god home we may miss our star. For there is many a small betrayal in the mind, a shrug that lets the fragile sequence break sending with shouts the horrible errors of childhood storming out to play through the broken dike. And as elephants parade holding each elephant’s tail, but if one wanders the circus won’t find the park, I call it cruel and maybe the root of all cruelty to know what occurs but not recognize the fact. And so I appeal to a voice, to something shadowy, a remote important region in all who talk: though we could fool each other, we should consider — lest the parade of our mutual life get lost in the dark. For it is important that awake people be awake, or a breaking line may discourage them back to sleep; the signals we give — yes or no, or maybe — should be clear: the darkness around us is deep. From The Way It Is: New & Selected Poems by Graywolf Press, 1998.
Kelp Circle, 2005
Yes, My Blog Is My Soapbox
When you decide to start a blog, you know (or usually at least have an inkling) that you may be opening yourself up to some controversy. It is an unfortunate reality. You are publishing your thoughts for anyone to read, and unlike in real life, you do not have the advantage of seeing or knowing who exactly you are talking to. Some of your readers may be your friends and family, to whom you have sent your link. Some are likely people you have something in common with, whose blogs you read and/or comment on, or who come to you via a search of something that you write about. But of course, not everyone who stumbles upon your blog will share your views. Just like in real life. Sometimes people who feel very differently than you do, who come from different experiences or who have vastly different beliefs, come to look at your blog, and they may even comment. Lately I have been reading a blog by Kateri, a birthmom and a parent, who in her blog shares some of her experiences of being a young woman with a crisis pregnancy, her experiences with placing her daughter in an open adoption plan, and her strong feelings about how she was treated then, and now, in terms of an open adoption relationship that did not go as she had hoped. I have learned so much from her, and love that I can hear her perspective, as it not one that is easy to find. Birthmothers are not a group who are thought about, encouraged to speak, and heard from very often. They are very marginalized in our society, and the adoption world, it seems to me. Of course, each birthmother's experience is uniquely hers. As is all our lives and experiences. Yesterday, Kateri posted about a problem she is having with a few folks who are commenting in her blog and emailing her rather nasty things. They disagree with her on some issues she has posted about, and are trying to discount her feelings and tell her how she should feel about her experiences. I think telling people how to feel and what to write about on their own blog is rude. It annoys the heck out of me. As Kateri points out, there is a place for debate (public forums, online or in real life) and a place for personal reflection and support (blogs, which many think of as a "front porch" type of space). I try not to walk up and insult people on the street, or on their front porch, myself. Though I do admit to being human, and that misunderstandings happen. I have biases and sometimes I say stupid things, sometimes about things I don't know much about. I have seen various bloggers deal with the issue of "trolls", or people who (often anonymously, but not always) start picking fights and throwing punches at people in blog comments. I support each bloggers right to ban certain readers, delete nasty comments or to close down comments altogether, if need be. Sadly, it seems to happen a fair amount, especially in blogs that are about controversial or very personal issues. I read a lot about adoption, parenting, and reproductive issues, and boy, does it seem people will fight tooth and nail for what they believe about these things! Sometimes it is with no respect for other people's feelings, or for the person whose space it is. It is sad that folks feel the need to attack others like this, though I suppose it is the price we bloggers pay for being able to write freely about what we want, and the satisfaction we get from being able to connect with, and possibly educate and/or support others that might be in a similar (or different!) situation. So I haven't had any trolls here yet (knocking loudly on wood!!!), though I expect that I will, perhaps soon; what I write about sometimes is not exactly apolitical stuff. I have strong views, and though in real life I am not always ready to debate and argue about them, or even bring them up, I like to write about it here as it helps me vent, and define my thoughts and positions. Sometimes I even change my mind completely, after I have posted and given it more thought. I suppose I am being way more blunt and honest in my blog than I usually am in real life, as are those people who "troll", I guess. It is a tricky thing. Personally, I feel like I am a WAY better writer than debater or public speaker (my brain and tongue move way too slowly for that, you see) which is part of why I started this blog. That and I enjoy my little cyberspace soapbox. Cuz' its mine, it looks pretty, and sometimes I just like the view. That's okay, is it not?
When you decide to start a blog, you know (or usually at least have an inkling) that you may be opening yourself up to some controversy. It is an unfortunate reality. You are publishing your thoughts for anyone to read, and unlike in real life, you do not have the advantage of seeing or knowing who exactly you are talking to. Some of your readers may be your friends and family, to whom you have sent your link. Some are likely people you have something in common with, whose blogs you read and/or comment on, or who come to you via a search of something that you write about. But of course, not everyone who stumbles upon your blog will share your views. Just like in real life. Sometimes people who feel very differently than you do, who come from different experiences or who have vastly different beliefs, come to look at your blog, and they may even comment. Lately I have been reading a blog by Kateri, a birthmom and a parent, who in her blog shares some of her experiences of being a young woman with a crisis pregnancy, her experiences with placing her daughter in an open adoption plan, and her strong feelings about how she was treated then, and now, in terms of an open adoption relationship that did not go as she had hoped. I have learned so much from her, and love that I can hear her perspective, as it not one that is easy to find. Birthmothers are not a group who are thought about, encouraged to speak, and heard from very often. They are very marginalized in our society, and the adoption world, it seems to me. Of course, each birthmother's experience is uniquely hers. As is all our lives and experiences. Yesterday, Kateri posted about a problem she is having with a few folks who are commenting in her blog and emailing her rather nasty things. They disagree with her on some issues she has posted about, and are trying to discount her feelings and tell her how she should feel about her experiences. I think telling people how to feel and what to write about on their own blog is rude. It annoys the heck out of me. As Kateri points out, there is a place for debate (public forums, online or in real life) and a place for personal reflection and support (blogs, which many think of as a "front porch" type of space). I try not to walk up and insult people on the street, or on their front porch, myself. Though I do admit to being human, and that misunderstandings happen. I have biases and sometimes I say stupid things, sometimes about things I don't know much about. I have seen various bloggers deal with the issue of "trolls", or people who (often anonymously, but not always) start picking fights and throwing punches at people in blog comments. I support each bloggers right to ban certain readers, delete nasty comments or to close down comments altogether, if need be. Sadly, it seems to happen a fair amount, especially in blogs that are about controversial or very personal issues. I read a lot about adoption, parenting, and reproductive issues, and boy, does it seem people will fight tooth and nail for what they believe about these things! Sometimes it is with no respect for other people's feelings, or for the person whose space it is. It is sad that folks feel the need to attack others like this, though I suppose it is the price we bloggers pay for being able to write freely about what we want, and the satisfaction we get from being able to connect with, and possibly educate and/or support others that might be in a similar (or different!) situation. So I haven't had any trolls here yet (knocking loudly on wood!!!), though I expect that I will, perhaps soon; what I write about sometimes is not exactly apolitical stuff. I have strong views, and though in real life I am not always ready to debate and argue about them, or even bring them up, I like to write about it here as it helps me vent, and define my thoughts and positions. Sometimes I even change my mind completely, after I have posted and given it more thought. I suppose I am being way more blunt and honest in my blog than I usually am in real life, as are those people who "troll", I guess. It is a tricky thing. Personally, I feel like I am a WAY better writer than debater or public speaker (my brain and tongue move way too slowly for that, you see) which is part of why I started this blog. That and I enjoy my little cyberspace soapbox. Cuz' its mine, it looks pretty, and sometimes I just like the view. That's okay, is it not?
26 Jul · Tue 2005
Thoughts About Race & Adoption (part I)
When some people hear we are in the adoption process, their faces light up, they look very excited, and immediately ask "oooohh....from where?". When we respond with some combination of "from here" "our adoption will be domestic" or "somewhere from Oregon or Washington", there is visible flash of disappointment in their face. Their expression falls; they seem crushed! Often, after that, they respond with "Oh..." and have nothing else to say. It's a little weird, and slightly uncomfortable. Both my husband and I have gotten this reaction, and more than once. When I get it, I usually blather on a bit about our agency and open adoption, etc, because I don't know how else to handle it. But inside I am wondering...what the heck did that mean?!? There are several ways that I've been able to interpret it (though I have not actually asked anyone, of course). First, I wonder if it is that international adoption seems more glamorous and exciting to a lot of folks. Exotic. The idea of going on a trip halfway around the world to pick up your child can be a fascinating and romantic idea. It also plays into the "saving a poor orphan" mentality that some people have; that it is somehow more noble, more saintly, to adopt a child from abroad and "save" it from a life of poverty and neglect, and to give the opportunities that we have here in the US. If they think this, the disappointment perhaps stems from the fact that they suddenly see us as less charitable, because we are choosing to find our child in our own city or state instead of abroad, where the need is greater. That, or they are just disappointed that our journey will be less exciting, because we will not need passports to bring our baby home. Another likely reason for this reaction is that many people seem to know more about international adoption; they have a friend or colleague who has adopted from China or Russia or Guatemala, and hope that we will be too so that they can share their stories and what they know about it (sometimes they do anyway, which is fine, and further supports my theory). This, I don't mind so much; we all like to talk about things we know. We like to find things we have in common with other people. It doesn't completely explain the weird initial reaction, but leaves me with less of a strange feeling about the whole thing. This is also why I like to go on and talk about our adoption experience with people that respond that way to our news. I am getting the feeling a lot of folks don't know much about current domestic adoptions. When they think of domestic adoption, I get the feeling they are thinking about closed adoption, about getting a baby that looks like you, and passing it off as a biological child. They think that domestic adoption involves paying outrageous sums and waiting for years and years to get a "desirable" baby. One person, after giving the initial response above asked me what race we wanted and when I replied (Caucasian) she responded "Oh, just like what everybody else wants...". Um. Okay. Not exactly. Perhaps that is how it used to be (I admit I'm a youngin' on the adoption scene), but it is not now. I have read somewhere (but don't quote me on this) that in the U.S. currently, international and domestic adoptions are about even in terms of numbers. In my own personal experience, I know far more folks who have chosen international. I have absolutely nothing against international adoption or building multiracial families through domestic or international adoption (stay tuned for more on this in a future post), and we may very well consider it at some point in the future. There are also other domestic options, like foster/adopt, an incredible way to build a family for some people. However, for a variety of reasons I will not go into now, those were not right for us currently. We are choosing domestic infant adoption, and a baby that shares our own race. I don't like being judged negatively for that, though on some occasions I feel that we are. So. For now, I am getting in the habit of talking to folks about the process we are going through, if they are at all interested, because I want them to know. That the fact is the costs for adoption services (note, we are not "buying a child") are about the same for both international and domestic. And that the wait is often very similar, as well. I talk about the application steps we are going though, what I have read and the research done about the benefits of open adoption, and how we hope our relationship with the birth family will be. And I hope that I am not annoying to people, when I talk about these things. But its all I can do, really, when I get such strange reactions from them, to a decision that is so personal, and that was made with so much thought and care.
When some people hear we are in the adoption process, their faces light up, they look very excited, and immediately ask "oooohh....from where?". When we respond with some combination of "from here" "our adoption will be domestic" or "somewhere from Oregon or Washington", there is visible flash of disappointment in their face. Their expression falls; they seem crushed! Often, after that, they respond with "Oh..." and have nothing else to say. It's a little weird, and slightly uncomfortable. Both my husband and I have gotten this reaction, and more than once. When I get it, I usually blather on a bit about our agency and open adoption, etc, because I don't know how else to handle it. But inside I am wondering...what the heck did that mean?!? There are several ways that I've been able to interpret it (though I have not actually asked anyone, of course). First, I wonder if it is that international adoption seems more glamorous and exciting to a lot of folks. Exotic. The idea of going on a trip halfway around the world to pick up your child can be a fascinating and romantic idea. It also plays into the "saving a poor orphan" mentality that some people have; that it is somehow more noble, more saintly, to adopt a child from abroad and "save" it from a life of poverty and neglect, and to give the opportunities that we have here in the US. If they think this, the disappointment perhaps stems from the fact that they suddenly see us as less charitable, because we are choosing to find our child in our own city or state instead of abroad, where the need is greater. That, or they are just disappointed that our journey will be less exciting, because we will not need passports to bring our baby home. Another likely reason for this reaction is that many people seem to know more about international adoption; they have a friend or colleague who has adopted from China or Russia or Guatemala, and hope that we will be too so that they can share their stories and what they know about it (sometimes they do anyway, which is fine, and further supports my theory). This, I don't mind so much; we all like to talk about things we know. We like to find things we have in common with other people. It doesn't completely explain the weird initial reaction, but leaves me with less of a strange feeling about the whole thing. This is also why I like to go on and talk about our adoption experience with people that respond that way to our news. I am getting the feeling a lot of folks don't know much about current domestic adoptions. When they think of domestic adoption, I get the feeling they are thinking about closed adoption, about getting a baby that looks like you, and passing it off as a biological child. They think that domestic adoption involves paying outrageous sums and waiting for years and years to get a "desirable" baby. One person, after giving the initial response above asked me what race we wanted and when I replied (Caucasian) she responded "Oh, just like what everybody else wants...". Um. Okay. Not exactly. Perhaps that is how it used to be (I admit I'm a youngin' on the adoption scene), but it is not now. I have read somewhere (but don't quote me on this) that in the U.S. currently, international and domestic adoptions are about even in terms of numbers. In my own personal experience, I know far more folks who have chosen international. I have absolutely nothing against international adoption or building multiracial families through domestic or international adoption (stay tuned for more on this in a future post), and we may very well consider it at some point in the future. There are also other domestic options, like foster/adopt, an incredible way to build a family for some people. However, for a variety of reasons I will not go into now, those were not right for us currently. We are choosing domestic infant adoption, and a baby that shares our own race. I don't like being judged negatively for that, though on some occasions I feel that we are. So. For now, I am getting in the habit of talking to folks about the process we are going through, if they are at all interested, because I want them to know. That the fact is the costs for adoption services (note, we are not "buying a child") are about the same for both international and domestic. And that the wait is often very similar, as well. I talk about the application steps we are going though, what I have read and the research done about the benefits of open adoption, and how we hope our relationship with the birth family will be. And I hope that I am not annoying to people, when I talk about these things. But its all I can do, really, when I get such strange reactions from them, to a decision that is so personal, and that was made with so much thought and care.
25 Jul · Mon 2005
paint chips
monday, it is, and i have the house to myself again woo! time to say hello to my friends on the "internets"! i have been painting, painting, painting (well, that and reading harry potter). no, not the fun kind, mostly the exterior trim and the tippy top high parts of the eves, which was all peeling and chipping which means scraping, sanding, caulking, priming and tall heavy ladders, borrowed from the neighbors. not that fun, though it is getting done slowly but surely (thanks mom!). homestudy is next week, too! is this why i decided to paint the house this week? perhaps. or it might have been Jo's recent debacle with lead paint chips in the new apt, incompetent landlord, illegal lease, searching for a new place with home birth impending any day now ugh. she's hangin' in there... i have not tested for lead here la la la, don't want to know. and I suppose it has been about a year now, enough time to draw out one paint job, methinks. should be done by the end of the week. still contemplating the tricky part (which involves me climbing onto the top part of the house lying on the roof and and leaning over to scrape and paint below) egads! but first, a few more minutes with my tea & breakfast, perusing blogland...
monday, it is, and i have the house to myself again woo! time to say hello to my friends on the "internets"! i have been painting, painting, painting (well, that and reading harry potter). no, not the fun kind, mostly the exterior trim and the tippy top high parts of the eves, which was all peeling and chipping which means scraping, sanding, caulking, priming and tall heavy ladders, borrowed from the neighbors. not that fun, though it is getting done slowly but surely (thanks mom!). homestudy is next week, too! is this why i decided to paint the house this week? perhaps. or it might have been Jo's recent debacle with lead paint chips in the new apt, incompetent landlord, illegal lease, searching for a new place with home birth impending any day now ugh. she's hangin' in there... i have not tested for lead here la la la, don't want to know. and I suppose it has been about a year now, enough time to draw out one paint job, methinks. should be done by the end of the week. still contemplating the tricky part (which involves me climbing onto the top part of the house lying on the roof and and leaning over to scrape and paint below) egads! but first, a few more minutes with my tea & breakfast, perusing blogland...
19 Jul · Tue 2005
Photo Friday: Silky
These flowers are silky soft, though I also like them for their crinkly look. This photo is for this weeks Photo Friday challenge: Silky.
These flowers are silky soft, though I also like them for their crinkly look. This photo is for this weeks Photo Friday challenge: Silky.
18 Jul · Mon 2005
Search String Fun
So I know I have been a lame-o with my lack of posting lately. I promise to try very hard this week. I do write a thousand blog entries in my head most days but exhaust myself before they ever make it to the page. Very poor habit, I know, I am working on it. And though I do have some interesting future entries in mind with actual content, I am going to pull out the old "how have people been finding my site lately" trick. Because I am always humored by it. Here are a few: "trucker" "trucker photo" "truckerparty" — These were some of the first searches that appeared when I started checking the stats early on. By the looks of the other results of these searches, I think you were probably looking for something a lot sketchier than pictures of us and our friends wearing funny hats and drinking beer (while fully clothed). Sorry to disappoint. "a ritual to read to each other william stafford" — Yes, that is one of my favorite poems, though its not up here yet! Perhaps I will post it soon. I wrote my "comps" (college thesis) on him, and have taken a writing workshop from his son, Kim. My grad school classrooms were just steps away from the Northwest Writing Institute, where both had/have taught for many years. Great writers...I love them both. "powered by gallery broken arm" — Okay, this is a strange one. Sadly, we understand "broken arm" all too well. It sucks, by the way, for all involved, including the breakee (my husband, whom it obviously was the worst for), the breaker (who had to forego walks for a LONGGGG time), and thenarcotics dispenser elevation specialist hair washer dressing assistant cook maid caretaker (that would be moi!). But the "powered by gallery" part I don't really get...
"beautiful bridesmaids photos" — They were beautiful, weren't they! My bridesmaids were divine. Thinking back, I do feel really bad that I made them wear those dresses though...what was I thinking? The test of true friendship...to buy and squeeze into an expensive dress that you would never have chosen on your own, and will never wear again. Ugh. Sorry ladies.
"neskowin beach" — A lovely place on the Oregon Coast. Go visit, its fabulous (just don't expect to swim, unless you are a seal or a whale).
"encaustic workshop" — I have done this search myself many times, without much success. They are damn hard to find, it seems! I took one at Sitka, and it was great (but they are not offering any this year). It was done in connection with R & F, which offers quite a few of them (though they are spendy...yipes!).
"blog assvice and adopting from china" — Ha. My favorite so far! I am at your service in the assvice business....though I don't have too much info on China. Check out here or here (among many others) for that. Good luck with your adoption!
"drinking beer + clomid" — Oooh, this one just came in today and I had to add it. Ha! Yes, been there, done that! Many times! I was on Clomid for almost a year, for crise sakes! A nice cold one may temporarily ease the insanity that goes along with Clomid (that or it'll backfire and make 'ya cry even more!). Generally, I tended to not drink after ovulation, though (please note I am NOT a Dr. All medical advice given is purely assvice...pulled out of my ASS or from Google U.) If you think you are pregnant, definitely chill out on the beer drinking. Or the Jack Daniels, in my case.
So I know I have been a lame-o with my lack of posting lately. I promise to try very hard this week. I do write a thousand blog entries in my head most days but exhaust myself before they ever make it to the page. Very poor habit, I know, I am working on it. And though I do have some interesting future entries in mind with actual content, I am going to pull out the old "how have people been finding my site lately" trick. Because I am always humored by it. Here are a few: "trucker" "trucker photo" "truckerparty" — These were some of the first searches that appeared when I started checking the stats early on. By the looks of the other results of these searches, I think you were probably looking for something a lot sketchier than pictures of us and our friends wearing funny hats and drinking beer (while fully clothed). Sorry to disappoint. "a ritual to read to each other william stafford" — Yes, that is one of my favorite poems, though its not up here yet! Perhaps I will post it soon. I wrote my "comps" (college thesis) on him, and have taken a writing workshop from his son, Kim. My grad school classrooms were just steps away from the Northwest Writing Institute, where both had/have taught for many years. Great writers...I love them both. "powered by gallery broken arm" — Okay, this is a strange one. Sadly, we understand "broken arm" all too well. It sucks, by the way, for all involved, including the breakee (my husband, whom it obviously was the worst for), the breaker (who had to forego walks for a LONGGGG time), and the
13 Jul · Wed 2005
just words
When you start really learning about adoption, you realize a lot of the language used to describe it is rather negative. As are some people's connotations with adoption, especially birthmothers. There has, however, been quite a lot of reform in the world of adoption (as well as some shifts in social beliefs) in the last 30-50 years or so, and a lot of attitudes have changed. "Unwed mothers" are no longer shunned by society across the board. A woman who has had a child outside of marriage is (hopefully!) not considered "damaged" goods for life, nor is someone who has placed a child for adoption in the past. There is still a lot of room for growth here, but there does seem to be fewer reasons these days for an expectant mother choosing adoption to hide her pregnancy and then never speak of it again.
The same goes for adoptive families; because children of adoption are no longer stigmatized by society for carrying "bad genes" or thought to inherit the "devient" behaviors of their birthmothers (and the fact that infertility is now seen as a medical condition, not reflective of a persons worth or mental status) there far fewer reasons to "pretend" an adopted child is a biological child or to lie about adoption. These have all helped push open adoption forward (there are so many other reasons as well, which I won't tackle here). Unfortunately, the rising support and acceptance of adoption has not translated into a public understanding of adoption issues.
But back to the language. I know some folks get their knickers in a twist over having to be "PC". Words are just words, they can have many meanings, isn't one as good as the next? Not really. The connotations inherant in a word can be really demeaning. Changing the language can make an impact over time that helps move us all forward. In my doddering about the web, I've found a couple of sites that give some good, basic information that I wish more people would see.
This one describes why the term "give up" or "put up" for adoption is better replaced with "placed" a child for adoption, or the (albeit more wordy) "created an adoption plan". Birth mothers do not "give up" on their children, nor do they toss them out like used housewares or old clothes. The term "put up" kinda makes me think of lining a row of kids up on a stage for inspection by the highest bidder. I know (not too long ago) I used to say it the other way (most people do!) and now, every time I hear it, I think about how it sounds.
I've also discovered several interesting articles about how to talk about adoption in schools. As a teacher, I did a fair bit of learning about adoption and adoption language, as well as all sorts of family structures, but I wish now that I'd known more. It is extremely important for teachers to know this stuff, as the classroom, especially in the early years, is often the first place kids encounter the concept of adoption or meet peers who have been adopted. It also might be the first place an adoptee is aware of and exposed to hurtful or confusing comments about adoption, from kids (and adults) who really don't know any better.
So here are a few links. One is an article from Tolerance.org (an excellent resource I first learned about in grad school that tackles a whole lotta anti-bias issues) about classroom assignments that don't always work for adoptees, and other issues they face in school. Another is excerpts from a guide called Teachers Guide to Adoption by Robin Hilborn. There is a great chart about positive adoption language in this guide, which I will put below (I like how it explains why certain terms are not so great). The third is a really touching article from AdoptiveFamilies.com titled How I Explained Adoption to the First Grade. The author makes a good point about how important it is to talk pointedly with the students about the issue, while not making the adopted child(ren) in the class the subject of the lesson or discussion. That, of course, is an important thing to consider when discussing all issues in the classroom...
The same goes for adoptive families; because children of adoption are no longer stigmatized by society for carrying "bad genes" or thought to inherit the "devient" behaviors of their birthmothers (and the fact that infertility is now seen as a medical condition, not reflective of a persons worth or mental status) there far fewer reasons to "pretend" an adopted child is a biological child or to lie about adoption. These have all helped push open adoption forward (there are so many other reasons as well, which I won't tackle here). Unfortunately, the rising support and acceptance of adoption has not translated into a public understanding of adoption issues.
But back to the language. I know some folks get their knickers in a twist over having to be "PC". Words are just words, they can have many meanings, isn't one as good as the next? Not really. The connotations inherant in a word can be really demeaning. Changing the language can make an impact over time that helps move us all forward. In my doddering about the web, I've found a couple of sites that give some good, basic information that I wish more people would see.
This one describes why the term "give up" or "put up" for adoption is better replaced with "placed" a child for adoption, or the (albeit more wordy) "created an adoption plan". Birth mothers do not "give up" on their children, nor do they toss them out like used housewares or old clothes. The term "put up" kinda makes me think of lining a row of kids up on a stage for inspection by the highest bidder. I know (not too long ago) I used to say it the other way (most people do!) and now, every time I hear it, I think about how it sounds.
I've also discovered several interesting articles about how to talk about adoption in schools. As a teacher, I did a fair bit of learning about adoption and adoption language, as well as all sorts of family structures, but I wish now that I'd known more. It is extremely important for teachers to know this stuff, as the classroom, especially in the early years, is often the first place kids encounter the concept of adoption or meet peers who have been adopted. It also might be the first place an adoptee is aware of and exposed to hurtful or confusing comments about adoption, from kids (and adults) who really don't know any better.
So here are a few links. One is an article from Tolerance.org (an excellent resource I first learned about in grad school that tackles a whole lotta anti-bias issues) about classroom assignments that don't always work for adoptees, and other issues they face in school. Another is excerpts from a guide called Teachers Guide to Adoption by Robin Hilborn. There is a great chart about positive adoption language in this guide, which I will put below (I like how it explains why certain terms are not so great). The third is a really touching article from AdoptiveFamilies.com titled How I Explained Adoption to the First Grade. The author makes a good point about how important it is to talk pointedly with the students about the issue, while not making the adopted child(ren) in the class the subject of the lesson or discussion. That, of course, is an important thing to consider when discussing all issues in the classroom...
| Avoid this | Prefer this | Why |
|---|---|---|
| Real parent | Birthparent, biological parent (birthfather, birthmother, birthdad, birthmum) | Are there "imaginary" parents? Adoptive parents are just as real as biological parents. |
| Natural parent | Birthparent; biological mother; woman who gave birth | Lack of a blood link does not make an adoptive parent less of a parent. |
| Natural child | Birth child, biological child | Ditto. And are there "artificial" children? |
| Your own child (vs. an adopted child) | Birth child, biological child | All your children are your own, adopted or not. Genetic relationships are not stronger than adoptive ones. |
| Illegitimate | Born to unmarried parents | Circumstances of birth should not stigmatize a child. |
| Unwed mother | Birthmother, birthmum | "Unwed" or "unmarried" is a moral judgment. |
| Give up, give away, surrender, relinquish, adopt out, put up for adoption | Place for adoption, or (better) choose adoption, make an adoption plan
|
Birthmothers love their children but can't raise them. They choose what is best for their child and stay in touch with them after the adoption ("open adoption"). |
| Keep the baby | Parent the baby | "She decided to parent the baby rather than choose adoption." |
| Foreign adoption | International, intercountry adoption | Some say "foreign" has negative connotations. |
| Hard-to-place child | Special needs child | Less damaging to the child's self-esteem. |
| Adopt-a-road, adopt-a-park, etc. | Sponsor-a-park, befriend-a-park | "Adopt-a-" programs misuse "adopt" as a marketing ploy to raise money. They deform the meaning of adoption. |
What's Happening Now?
Well, I realized I haven't updated for awhile so this is what is happening around here in terms of adoption:
Well, I realized I haven't updated for awhile so this is what is happening around here in terms of adoption:
- We had our first interview at the agency, and it went well! We met the counselor who will be working with us throughout this first half of the process, and she seemed great (of course!). So far everyone we've met at our agency has been wonderful. The interview was mostly a chance to meet face-to-face, to discuss our history and why we are choosing adoption, etc, and our feelings on open adoption. We passed (whew!) so now we have some next steps to take that include:
- Signing a contract and sending more money! Because of that, this week we have been:
- Wrangling with our bank to give us a loan! This has been slowed by the fact that Lonnie's credit has mysteriously disappeared from one of the leading credit agencies (better than having it hijacked, I suppose!), causing our bank to wonder about our trustiness. Luckily the other credit agencies had everything right, so now that the bank got those we've received word we have been approved. Hooray!
- Next, we will get to work on our "profile" which includes biographies, the "Dear Birthparent" letter, and a photo collage. Anyone out there have pictures of us doing something interesting?
- Soon, our counselor will be working on the homestudy, which includes more interviews and a couple visits to our house to make sure we don't live in a shack.
- In the meantime, I have been looking around for an infant care class so we know a bit about what we are doing once the Main Event happens. You see, we have absolutely no friends or relatives with babies, in which to try out our diapering, feeding, or baby
annoyingsoothing theories on. Which is fine, plastic babies at the class will work wonderfully for a start... - However, some places seem not to want us because we are adopting! The major university hospital/network that shall remain nameless (where we go for all medical care) tells us their class most definitely will not be appropriate even though the class description says it totally focuses on newborn care, not labor and delivery (every item on the online syllabus is something that is interesting to me and applies to us, for crying out loud!). They tell us we would be better suited to the adoptive care class Somewhere Else that focuses on older babies because "many" adoptive babies are not newborn, so that's not what we want (you mean a 6-month-old is going to be coming out of that birthmother at the hospital? Whew, glad they cleared that up for us...that could have been awkward!). We try to tell them ours really and truly will be a newborn but they ignore us and stop replying to our emails. Hmmm....I suppose we could sign up under fake names and I could stuff my shirt....
- Fear not, the Only Place In Town that actually offers an adoptive baby care class (usually for older infants) agrees with us that our baby may in fact be a newborn(!) and will let us take the regular newborn class they also offer. Yahoo! Now we won't break the baby! The next class isn't until September, but that should be fine...
08 Jul · Fri 2005
"Getting Over" IVF
Recently an online friend of mine remarked how strong I was, to have switched gears from IVF and TTC to adoption so quickly. I thanked her, but it got me to thinking. It hasn't felt like a quick decision to me -- I like to think we have been moving towards it slowly for almost 3 years now. I don't feel that strong, really, and am by no means "over" my struggles to conceive. I still think about it all the time! When I read or hear about someone starting an IVF cycle, I still get that passing pang of jealousy. Sometimes I thank the stars it is not me, but other times I can still feel the excitement that comes from getting that big box o' meds in the mail, the counting of the syringes, the first shot of lupron. Whoo! The thrill of watching my lining grow and the follicles multiply on the ultrasound screen, the securing of a transfer time, the hypothetical due date... I have heard it many times before and agree; despite all the pain, physical, emotional, financial, IVF is very addictive! Some days, I miss it. Does that mean I am not ready to adopt, however? Hell no! When we first starting thinking about adoption seriously, we were still in the midst of the FETs. After the hellishness of IVF and all the drugs, monitoring, procedures, and the letdowns, we decided we would not do that again for a long long while. We would, however, at least see these frozen guys out before closing the ART chapter for now. Though it was a huge relief to have a plan, I wasn't feeling at all strong then. In a way it felt like the opposite; I know many folks who have done 3 or 6 or even 9 IVF cycles; some with failed pregnancies, ectopics and miscarriages thrown in as well. And they were still going! They had been through so much, they were strong -- I was choosing the easy way out. Since we had decided already what the plan was, the two FET cycles were easier than the first. Backup plans are good for the spirit. Though we still threw ourselves into the cycling process wholeheartedly, our adoption decision always there in the back of our minds. Well, not so far back there...we had done the research, picked an agency, and had already penciled in the adoption seminar dates before we got news of our last negative beta. I mailed the check to reserve our spot the next day. It was an easy decision. It felt right. A lot of people I know have a much harder time deciding when to "move on" or "give up" on IVF. I think for us it was easier because it was not giving up but getting closer. What we wanted was a kid (or three), and we wanted to be young-ish parents. If we chose to keep doing treatment, we felt like we were just moving further from our goal. Despite our eagerness, of course, there is a lot of grief to process. The loss of the "dream bio child" is hard. Very hard. And I know I am not completely past it yet. Unlike some, I was able to ease into the idea, because it was not a black or white decision for us. Since we have no diagnosis, we still could technically get pregnant (though with our track record, this is highly unlikely). When we starting talking about adoption, I still thought about pregnancy a lot. I told myself we could still do IVF again later. That there could be a "surprise" waiting further down the line. That the damn infernal "just adopt, then you'll get pregnant" line could in fact come true for us. That comforted me. I remember reading Karen's blog at some point back then, where she said something about not even wanting to get pregnant now, because it would screw up her adoption plans. I couldn't understand that then. After 6 months or so of grieving and making plans, now I get it. If I got pregnant now it would really fuck things up. Its just not what we want anymore. So am I strong, and have we switched gears quickly? I don't know...compared to some, maybe. Compared to others, definitely not! But am I excited about open adoption, and the future it holds for our family? Yes! Definitely yes.
Recently an online friend of mine remarked how strong I was, to have switched gears from IVF and TTC to adoption so quickly. I thanked her, but it got me to thinking. It hasn't felt like a quick decision to me -- I like to think we have been moving towards it slowly for almost 3 years now. I don't feel that strong, really, and am by no means "over" my struggles to conceive. I still think about it all the time! When I read or hear about someone starting an IVF cycle, I still get that passing pang of jealousy. Sometimes I thank the stars it is not me, but other times I can still feel the excitement that comes from getting that big box o' meds in the mail, the counting of the syringes, the first shot of lupron. Whoo! The thrill of watching my lining grow and the follicles multiply on the ultrasound screen, the securing of a transfer time, the hypothetical due date... I have heard it many times before and agree; despite all the pain, physical, emotional, financial, IVF is very addictive! Some days, I miss it. Does that mean I am not ready to adopt, however? Hell no! When we first starting thinking about adoption seriously, we were still in the midst of the FETs. After the hellishness of IVF and all the drugs, monitoring, procedures, and the letdowns, we decided we would not do that again for a long long while. We would, however, at least see these frozen guys out before closing the ART chapter for now. Though it was a huge relief to have a plan, I wasn't feeling at all strong then. In a way it felt like the opposite; I know many folks who have done 3 or 6 or even 9 IVF cycles; some with failed pregnancies, ectopics and miscarriages thrown in as well. And they were still going! They had been through so much, they were strong -- I was choosing the easy way out. Since we had decided already what the plan was, the two FET cycles were easier than the first. Backup plans are good for the spirit. Though we still threw ourselves into the cycling process wholeheartedly, our adoption decision always there in the back of our minds. Well, not so far back there...we had done the research, picked an agency, and had already penciled in the adoption seminar dates before we got news of our last negative beta. I mailed the check to reserve our spot the next day. It was an easy decision. It felt right. A lot of people I know have a much harder time deciding when to "move on" or "give up" on IVF. I think for us it was easier because it was not giving up but getting closer. What we wanted was a kid (or three), and we wanted to be young-ish parents. If we chose to keep doing treatment, we felt like we were just moving further from our goal. Despite our eagerness, of course, there is a lot of grief to process. The loss of the "dream bio child" is hard. Very hard. And I know I am not completely past it yet. Unlike some, I was able to ease into the idea, because it was not a black or white decision for us. Since we have no diagnosis, we still could technically get pregnant (though with our track record, this is highly unlikely). When we starting talking about adoption, I still thought about pregnancy a lot. I told myself we could still do IVF again later. That there could be a "surprise" waiting further down the line. That the damn infernal "just adopt, then you'll get pregnant" line could in fact come true for us. That comforted me. I remember reading Karen's blog at some point back then, where she said something about not even wanting to get pregnant now, because it would screw up her adoption plans. I couldn't understand that then. After 6 months or so of grieving and making plans, now I get it. If I got pregnant now it would really fuck things up. Its just not what we want anymore. So am I strong, and have we switched gears quickly? I don't know...compared to some, maybe. Compared to others, definitely not! But am I excited about open adoption, and the future it holds for our family? Yes! Definitely yes.
03 Jul · Sun 2005
Photo Friday: Used
Flag in Water, 2004
Thought I'd get a head start on this week's Photo Friday! Though I was considering other more aesthetically pleasing shots, I settled on this one as it does seem to fit this week's theme (used) and ties in well with tomorrow's holiday (for those of us here in the The States)...
Flag in Water, 2004
Thought I'd get a head start on this week's Photo Friday! Though I was considering other more aesthetically pleasing shots, I settled on this one as it does seem to fit this week's theme (used) and ties in well with tomorrow's holiday (for those of us here in the The States)...
01 Jul · Fri 2005
Adoption Stories
I have stumbled upon two incredible adoption stories in the last week or so. The first is Cubbiegirl, who after going through a lot of rough times is adopting her 9 year old daughter through foster-adopt, and just met her for the first time last weekend! It is an amazing story, well worth a read through her backlogs. The other is a fabulously cute video of a family who adopted their daughter in China last month. It takes a minute or two to load, be patient! But watch it....its great!
I have stumbled upon two incredible adoption stories in the last week or so. The first is Cubbiegirl, who after going through a lot of rough times is adopting her 9 year old daughter through foster-adopt, and just met her for the first time last weekend! It is an amazing story, well worth a read through her backlogs. The other is a fabulously cute video of a family who adopted their daughter in China last month. It takes a minute or two to load, be patient! But watch it....its great!
