Intrepid Murmurings

"Getting Over" IVF
Recently an online friend of mine remarked how strong I was, to have switched gears from IVF and TTC to adoption so quickly. I thanked her, but it got me to thinking. It hasn't felt like a quick decision to me -- I like to think we have been moving towards it slowly for almost 3 years now. I don't feel that strong, really, and am by no means "over" my struggles to conceive. I still think about it all the time! When I read or hear about someone starting an IVF cycle, I still get that passing pang of jealousy. Sometimes I thank the stars it is not me, but other times I can still feel the excitement that comes from getting that big box o' meds in the mail, the counting of the syringes, the first shot of lupron. Whoo! The thrill of watching my lining grow and the follicles multiply on the ultrasound screen, the securing of a transfer time, the hypothetical due date... I have heard it many times before and agree; despite all the pain, physical, emotional, financial, IVF is very addictive! Some days, I miss it. Does that mean I am not ready to adopt, however? Hell no! When we first starting thinking about adoption seriously, we were still in the midst of the FETs. After the hellishness of IVF and all the drugs, monitoring, procedures, and the letdowns, we decided we would not do that again for a long long while. We would, however, at least see these frozen guys out before closing the ART chapter for now. Though it was a huge relief to have a plan, I wasn't feeling at all strong then. In a way it felt like the opposite; I know many folks who have done 3 or 6 or even 9 IVF cycles; some with failed pregnancies, ectopics and miscarriages thrown in as well. And they were still going! They had been through so much, they were strong -- I was choosing the easy way out. Since we had decided already what the plan was, the two FET cycles were easier than the first. Backup plans are good for the spirit. Though we still threw ourselves into the cycling process wholeheartedly, our adoption decision always there in the back of our minds. Well, not so far back there...we had done the research, picked an agency, and had already penciled in the adoption seminar dates before we got news of our last negative beta. I mailed the check to reserve our spot the next day. It was an easy decision. It felt right. A lot of people I know have a much harder time deciding when to "move on" or "give up" on IVF. I think for us it was easier because it was not giving up but getting closer. What we wanted was a kid (or three), and we wanted to be young-ish parents. If we chose to keep doing treatment, we felt like we were just moving further from our goal. Despite our eagerness, of course, there is a lot of grief to process. The loss of the "dream bio child" is hard. Very hard. And I know I am not completely past it yet. Unlike some, I was able to ease into the idea, because it was not a black or white decision for us. Since we have no diagnosis, we still could technically get pregnant (though with our track record, this is highly unlikely). When we starting talking about adoption, I still thought about pregnancy a lot. I told myself we could still do IVF again later. That there could be a "surprise" waiting further down the line. That the damn infernal "just adopt, then you'll get pregnant" line could in fact come true for us. That comforted me. I remember reading Karen's blog at some point back then, where she said something about not even wanting to get pregnant now, because it would screw up her adoption plans. I couldn't understand that then. After 6 months or so of grieving and making plans, now I get it. If I got pregnant now it would really fuck things up. Its just not what we want anymore. So am I strong, and have we switched gears quickly? I don't know...compared to some, maybe. Compared to others, definitely not! But am I excited about open adoption, and the future it holds for our family? Yes! Definitely yes.