Intrepid Murmurings

The One Where We Ponder the Reality of This Impending Adoption
While it may seem to the outside observer that our adoption stuff is moving along smoothly, to us it is more like little frenzied bursts of activity, then slow, long bits of waiting, then a lot to do, then nothing again, etc. Rinse and repeat. This week has been one of the busy times. Mostly due to our combined love affair with procrastination. In the past few days we've finished the first draft of our "dear birthparent" letter (note, we did NOT begin, "dear birthparent", we opened with "Hi". How's that for bucking the system?), finished the first draft of Lonnie's bio, cleaned the house, and had our first home visit. We had months to do those first two items, and weeks/days to do the third, but it took us until the days before they were due (well, the day of for the cleaning, of course) to get them done. This is very similar to how I worked in high school, college, and while teaching. Self motivation is not my strongest suit. It appears, at least for some things (that involve reading or writing, for instance), that neither is it for Lonnie. Anyway, the meeting went well, and we are on for another one this Friday. Then one more, individually, next week. We still have to put together some photographs, and revise the letter and our bios a bit. But there is light at the end of the paperwork tunnel. We can see it there, a golden glowing pinhead of light. We are also told things may happen very very quickly once we are out of the tunnel and "into the pool," as they say. Like, any time after September, quickly. On one hand, this thought is rather pleasing to us; its been a long 3 and a half years. I kind of enjoy the thought that I may be the equivalant of 7 or 8 months along, with no strech marks or swollen feet. I can still drink, and tonight I may play some kickball. But I cannot let myself think that, forgetting that out there somewhere is a birthmother, who is uncomfortable, probably in pain, and definitely stressed and emotionally drained right now. She is dealing with the hard reality of a pregnancy, not me. And after all that, she will not have the joy of taking that baby home. That is not fair, at all. I don't know her yet, but I am sad for her. I wish I could take that burden from her. In any case, we will have to get our asses in gear soon. Perhaps a few purchases will be made and stashed away, "just in case". It feels like the last few years all over again, as we try to plan our lives around fuzzy possibilities. At our agency last year, 30% of the placements were last minute placements. Which can be exciting, but also rather terrifying. You have to make decisions quickly, contact doctors if there are conditions to worry about and decide, sometimes within hours. In terms of open adoption, it is also closer to an arranged marriage than any other type of match — you really have no time to get to know the person you are committing to, for life. And then there's the whole, where the &*$# are we going to put the baby, etc, etc, etc (and no, despite that possibility, we do not intend to have a whole stocked nursery waiting). There are definitely bonuses to being matched a few months early; you can ease into the relationship slowly, build a friendship with the birth family ahead of time, make sure everything feels right to you and them. You have time to make plans. BUT, there are also negatives to pre-placement matching. I have learned from some birthmothers that it can feel coercive. That they start to feel like they can't change their mind, that they don't want to hurt your feelings, even though they are having second thoughts. That is not the kind of pressure we want to put on anyone. Absolutely not. For adoptive parents, too, those weeks and months of waiting are often fraught with worry and obsession; what if the match falls through? After all the bonding, planning, attachment that has already occurred? It is a lot to think about. And think about it we do, frequently, perhaps obsessively. During the inevitable slow times, its really all we can do. This week, happily, is not one of those times.