Intrepid Murmurings

Grammie's Oatmeal Bread
I am always searching for good bread recipes for the bread machine, especially ones that are at least part whole grain. I am a lazy ass, and cannot bring myself to make bread the old fashioned way, most of the time. Most bread machine recipes I have tend to dry out fast, and are either too dense or (more likely) not dense enough. Yesterday, I took a chance and made a non-bread machine recipe in the machine. It turned out great! I think the molasses adds the moisture it needs. I halved the recipe for the machine, but if you want to do it by hand and have 3 loaves, just double it. Oatmeal Bread (Adapted For Bread Machine) 1 cup hot water 1/2 cup molasses 1 1/2 Tablespoon shortening (I used 2 T olive oil) 1/2 Tablespoon Salt 1 cup oatmeal 2 1/2 cups flour (I used half whole wheat, half white) 2 teaspoons dry yeast (if you are making by hand, use one packet/cake dissolved in 1/4 cup warm water) Settings I used: whole wheat, medium crust, 1.5 lb loaf

Art Update
We have finally updated my art website! Now with pictures of my current encaustic art pieces (like the one above), and pricing for both encaustics and photography prints! For those of you in Seattle, I will also have one or two encaustics in the Customer Art Show at the Fremont Coffee Company for the month of February. The opening coincides with the Fremont First Friday Art Walk, which runs from 6-9 this Friday, Feb. 3. See you there!

Bits and Pieces
Okay, its been awhile, I know. In the baby scene, I am 25 weeks and counting. It is hard to believe we are nearing the end of the second trimester and gearing up for the third. I keep hearing the 2nd tri is the "good trimester" in terms of feeling well, and I agree and don't want that to stop. But, do not get me wrong, I am not one of those folks who are so happy being pregnant they don't want pregnancy to end. Ha! I am not that uncomfortable yet (knock on wood), but after all this time, we just want this sucker here with us already! Today the UPS man brought a soft and oddly-shaped package to our doorstep; it was this maternity/body pillow, in all its massive glory. Joy! Even without it, the rather annoying hip pain I was having at night has actually gotten better, with the advice of my doctor on some pillow positioning (I get really sore if I am lying straight sideways on my hips, but less so if I am more at an angle, with one hip propped. This pillow seems divine, however, as it replaces multiple pillows, supports both back and front and allows you to roll from side to side (or even back and front!) without Operation Pillow Reorganization going into effect every time. It can also double as a (rather massive and probably unwieldy) breastfeeding pillow, as well! Another recent purchase (again done online, which was weird) was a lovely maternity swimsuit. It took a gallant effort on my part, as the supply in stores is horrid and most "maternity" swimwear, online or off, seem to consist of two-piece suits with teeny tiny straps and loose flappy tops that look perhaps useful for lounging in but not necessarily ideal for active water workouts, which is my goal. Found one though, a tank, that is functional yet stylish (well, stylish is a relative term), and cheap, too, which is nice. I am planning to start prenatal aqua-aerobics at the YMCA in two weeks, yahoo! I am also starting to get the urge to "get things in order" in some respects, mostly in terms of getting the baby's room situation under control. We finally got some baby furniture, used but still delightful, including an armoire, a dresser and a changing table/bookshelf unit. Storage! Hooray! Perhaps it is in my head (or rather I have read to much), but I feel like I know so many stories with people with infertility having horrendous early labor issues, often coming on right about now, or a few weeks later. Yipes! The one that stands out for me, as I had just started avidly reading her blog at the time, was Julie's Batboy arrival around 28 weeks, and the incredible drama that unfolded there. I really want to get the more physical stuff (or stuff I want to do my way, ha ha) done now. Things like moving large masses of household clutter and furniture (now don't freak, I won't overexert! Mostly I am just moving small bits here and there) and painting (again, lest you worry, I will not be inhaling toxic fumes). Now that I've written all this, watch me jinx myself into a 42+ week induction situation or something...ha! So there you go. I am getting requests for belly shots, and I'm afraid none have been taken. Perhaps soon. I am feeling huge-ish already and I know it will only get much worse...

A Poem (For Dr. King's Birthday)
So I wrote this for a class I took back in college called "The History of Nonviolent Protest". It was taught by Marv Davidov, this guy who was not really a professor (at least at my school) but a crazy, passionate life-long activist, and an entertainer who for much of every class told us stories of things he had known and witnessed in his past. He'd been in the thick of it all, having traveled South to participate in the Freedom Rides in Jackson Mississippi, as well as so many other protests and other actions throughout the years. Definitely someone who has had his share of some interesting life experiences, and unlike anyone I had met before. He was a Minnesota native, if I recall, and I remember being really impressed at the time that he was friends with one of my favorite poets, Robert Bly. This poem is pretty much a collection of my notes from the things he'd said in class that day.

Thinking back
Recently I was thinking about some of the things I've learned over our years of trying to conceive. Perhaps this train of thought came from yet another conversation I had with my health insurance company over a IVF consult bill I have to resubmit (from Sept '04!), and how funny it was to be chatting with the billing lady at our old clinic yet again (who I'm sure shuddered when she heard my voice on the other end of the line — we know each other well, I'm afraid). Part of me feels that time in my life was just yesterday; I am still shocked when I realize it is in fact receding. Some days, it feels like it was all years ago (some of it was, in fact). In any case, these are a few things I was thinking about, things I'm glad I did, things I wished I had done differently. Of course hindsight is always 20/20, or however the saying goes...

• First off, I am glad early on my general practitioner recommended the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility, by Toni Weschler. From that, I learned a whole lot of stuff I wished I had back in bio/health/sex ed classes earlier in my life. The things I learned about reading your body's signs and signals throughout your cycle, what exactly is happening at different phases in your cycle, and how to identify problems would have been incredibly valuable even when I was not trying to get pregnant. In fact, had I read the book earlier, I would have already known how screwy my system was and might have gotten on track a lot sooner.
• I wish I had not wasted so much time (close to a year) seeing a gynocologist my GP had recommended before moving on to a RE (reproductive endocrinologist) at a good fertility clinic. I know the "standard" for trying before seeking treatment for fertility issues is 12 months (at least if you are youngish) but I think that's crap, especially if you clearly have some unidentified issues (like freakishly long cycles, or months of failure while timing and charting carefully).
• I wish, while under said gynocologist's care, I had not been put on Clomid for months on end without much monitoring (12 months total!), bumping up the dosage three times despite no evaluation of how my ovaries were responding. The Clomid eventually started giving me miserable side effects (not to mention the fact that it was costing an arm and a leg) and I eventually traded it in for herbs and acupuncture (which did exactly the same, for me, sans side effects). I think it would have been much better to only do 3 or so cycles of Clomid before combining them with IUI's, under the more monitored care of an RE.
• In fact, I kind of wish I had started with herbs and acupuncture to begin with, as soon as we started trying or even before, when I knew my cycles were wonky and might later be a problem. At the time I think I believed there were meds or procedures that could fix it all. I didn't know as much about the holistic view of health, and how the body's systems are so interdependent.
• Once we had done the 4 or so IUI's that were recommended by the RE, we moved on to IVF. I am glad we went to a big clinic with strong stats, even though it didn't work for us.
• In terms of IVF, I think we should have seriously considered the shared risk plans when we started (financing for 3 or so cycles at once, that covers everything and then returns some money back to you if the treatments do not work). At the time we were pretty sure it would work for us on the first try. Ha ha. Now I know that is usually not the case, and that it often takes a couple to many tries to have a successful outcome through IVF.
• I am really glad that I found some of the online communities dealing with infertility, including IVFConnections, and infertility blogs. Through those, I was able to read about and meet people who were dealing with (or had successfully moved on from) both similar, and very different things than I was. I learned a lot about the processes, the procedures and different options available, and because of that, I was never really surprised along the way; I knew what I was getting myself into. I was also able to put my struggles into perspective; my trials with getting pregnant are nowhere near what so many others have gone through.
• I am glad, too, that while I was in the midst of ttc and IVF I was concurrently learning more about adoption, through blogs and in real life (I happened to get to know quite a few adoptive families at the school I was teaching at then). For me, that knowledge made the concept of adoption much more comfortable, and made the decision to move forward with it rather early on (compared to some folks anyway) much easier.

So now, here we are, expecting in May. The thought of which still shocks me, some moments! Throughout it all (about 3 1/2 years) there were no diagnosis made, other than my irregular cycles, which seemed to respond fairly well to treatment. We stopped trying to conceive and were close to being "in the pool", expecting to be matched for domestic open adoption perhaps within a few months, when we found out I was pregnant. We put the adoption stuff on hold, but still plan to revisit that in a year or two. Part of me wants to tell everyone who asks about the pregnancy our whole story. Generally, I don't, because I still dread (and get) the "Ah ha! All you had to do was relax and stop trying (or adopt!)" comment, because that stereotype still drives me absolutely nuts. I truely believe, even now, that it was not that, though there is no way of saying what, in fact, it was. Ah, the mystery of it all, I guess...

Ideas for the New Year
I'm not one for making and/or sticking to New Years resolutions, that is for sure. But, this time of year does make one think about change, getting out of ruts, and making progress in certain areas. Though it has been raining for 26 consecutive days here, I do notice there are buds on the bushes and bulbs are sending up shoots. I, too, have a few things in mind for the coming months.

• Do a purge of closets, attics, studio, junk room(s). Either sell or donate what I find. I hate clutter, but I also hate to throw things out. One of these things has to give, and I know it needs to be my desire to hold onto things that may be useful "someday". We have limited storage in our current house, and I expect a bit of an influx will be coming soon.
• Get out to see art in the community more often. In particular, visit galleries and little artist shops to get ideas about my own art, and how to market it. This week I visited a new little place over in a different part of town, a gallery and framing store. I got great ideas for techniques I want to try, as well as ideas on framing my art, and how to price.
• Join the local YMCA and do their prenatal aqua-aerobics class. The unfortunate thing is that it is held in the evening, and I much prefer morning or afternoon classes. Even more unfortunate is the thought of putting on (and wearing in front of others!) a swimsuit. But I know it would be good for me and I think I would really like it.
• Learn to use my new camera, starting with the free classes offered by the Camera Store Chain it came from. Get out and take pictures, especially since there are tons of great beaches and parks ridiculously close to my house. I keep waiting for better weather, but that may be forever at the rate things are going here. And I do know rain and clouds can make for good lighting for certain types of photos.

Well, there are a lot more but thats enough for now. Which shall I start first?

Okay, okay, here are pictures of the crib!
It appears there are lots of folks out there looking for pictures of our crib. Oddly, it has become one of the biggest search string hits I am getting lately! It is a nice crib, I must say, and I am guessing the reason so many folks are looking for it is because its currently being carried by Babies-R-Us, but there are absolutely no pictures of the current model on the web. So here you go, folks, the Babi Italia Pinehurst Dropside Crib in the "Tea Stain" finish (that is quite a mouthful)!
   

There is no mattress in the pictures, just a blanket covering the metal grid where the mattress goes, because we are opting for an environmentally friendly non-toxic mattress (which we still need to order), instead of the regular kind sold everywhere. I am actually not sure how much use the crib will be getting at first, as we also have picked up one of these, the Amby baby hammock, on ebay and are planning on having the babe sleep upstairs in it with us, at least at night, for a good long time. We shall see how it all shakes out. Or doesn't, in terms of the baby and the hammock, as I am assured they do NOT fall out, at least until they are big enough to crawl out themselves and you leave them in too long. Ha.

Pardon Our Mess (Still!) update added
Well, new year, new blog software updates, new formatting and posting issues to be worked out!  Sorry about the weirdness below, though I think it is readable, at least!  I am excited about some of the new features, such as email alerts to new comments (woohoo!!) so that I don't miss comments made on old entries.  But it appears things may not look pretty for a bit, hopefully we'll solve that soon... Update: Holy Toledo! It appears we are still having trouble, folks! So much for software updates SOLVING problems....I suppose that should not be a very big surprise. I've discovered all of my old picture files have disappeared, and I fear many are lost forever as I was not backing them up properly. Luckily, anything very important I have on my computer, but it will take a bit of time to find and resize, load and rename them all so they come up again. Also, still having HTML editor issues, as my options seem to be either having extremely wonky text OR actually learning HTML.  Bleh. Not what I want to spend my time on.  Of course, this seems not to be as much of a concern for my tech guy as it is for me. Hmmm...funny how the same old problems tend to resurface...

Back in the New Year
Happy New Year! Strange how this New Year's is so different from the last for us. I hadn't thought about it until today, that last year we got our negative beta news on New Years Day, the news that our first IVF had not worked. We were very disappointed, but ready to push on and try some FETs with the frozen embryos. It was poor timing, though, cycling through the holidays. Don't recommend that to anyone, though at the time our only thought (as usual) was to get this show on the road. There are so many days like that, with infertility, days where you remember what you were doing this time last year, times when you realize how many months pregnant you would be, or how old of a child you would have, if a certain cycle or treatment had worked. Or you run into people, online or in real life, who were trying at the same time you were, or even after, and had luck, and you see what a different place they are now, from where you are. You can't help but feel envy, and sadness, frustration. I know there are people out there that look at me that way. You can't help it, when you are in that place. It is a lonely place to be. Onward. So we are back from Christmas in Maryland, which was lovely, and busy, and fun. The flights were pretty good, for cross country flights, and the airline people were actually quite good in hooking us up with seating that accommodated my incessant visits to tiny airplane bathrooms. Christmas itself was wonderful, with lots of family time, and Santa came through with a great new digital camera, which requires me to step up my skills and knowledge a bit as it is way more complicated than the last. But, better pictures will result, and hopefully give this blog some inspiration and needed visuals in the very near future. In baby news, the halfway point has come and gone, we are now at 22 weeks, and it still amazes me. She is a kicker, it seems, and awake a lot more these days, or at least more active when she is. Or maybe just bigger. I definitely am, in any case, and in more places than one. Egads.