Intrepid Murmurings

More Adoption Assvice
Or, Two Things Not To Say When You Hear Someone Is Adopting Now that we are actually actively involved in adopting a child, we are starting to encounter in real life all things I have read about online. It is interesting & I am glad I had a little warning from my dear online buddies & bloggers. Just like with pregnancy, it seems a lot of folks have something to say when they hear the news. As one would expect, not all advice or offhand comments are particularly useful. Or sensitive. Or even close to the truth. This (to those of you not in the know) is what we like to call Ass-vice. It is the bane of many a folks in all sorts of situations. After dealing with several years of Infertility Assvice ("you know you really should stand on your head for an hour! Its PROVEN!") I feel I am very well equipped to deal with Adoption Assvice. While most of it, at least so far for me, comes from those who really do mean well, assvice is rather annoying, and sometimes a bit offensive. And while I do not tend to be one who is offended or hurt easily, I can definitely see where folks are coming from when they mention how -annoying- -frustrating- -infuriating- tough it can be to deal with some days. Take, for example, the first thing so many folks say when you tell them about your infertility or plans to adopt: "Just adopt, then you'll get pregnant!" This is frustrating on so many levels, though the problem is that it does actually happen occasionally enough to fuel the fire, so to speak. Here's what is inherently upsetting about the "just adopt" line. First off, it is totally blowing off all the agonizing, frustrating, painful and expensive treatments we, as infertiles, have gone through for months and likely years of our lives. As if all of the tests, meds, injections, treatments and procedures, diet and lifestyle changes really don't matter at all, nor does any proper diagnosis that the many trained medical professionals have come to after all said tests have been completed (not that the assvice folks have any idea how those tests went or what the professionals have determined). That if you just stop thinking about it, your infertility will just go away. Ha. While there is, much to the infertiles dismay, a small grain of truth to this (in that stress does play a small role in infertility, damn it), the fact of the matter is that it is highly, highly unlikely that I or most folks who have gone through many rounds of failed ART treatments will get pregnant on our own, the old fashioned way. For some it is downright impossible, and yet they, like the rest of us hear the "just adopt" comment from the clueless all the time. Gah! On another level, "just adopt" is upsetting because it implicitly implies that the main goal is not to parent a child but to get pregnant, give birth and then parent a biological child, and that adopting is only second best. That your adopted child will be the means to the real prize, the biological child. Even if you have not read the books and studies on this, doesn't this ring a bell as a seriously, dangerously screwed up way of thinking that will be very damaging to the adopted child and all involved? The final thing for me is that "just adopt" includes the word "just", which gives the impression that one comes easily and lightly to the decision, and that it is a easy process, perhaps even easier than pregnancy itself! Ha ha. I dare say that I have yet to meet a person, couple or family who came to the decision to adopt a child without a lot of soul-searching, thought and research, as well as emotional and financial hardship. It is not easy to adopt a child, in fact, it will be the most difficult thing my husband I have ever done in our lives! Adoption not only includes opening up of our home and lives to complete strangers, allowing the details of our personal histories and childhood, family and friends, health, finances and credit histories, criminal records and fingerprints, marriage, personal values and intended parenting styles, it also includes accepting, for life, the loss that is inherent in adoption. Though there is also joy and beauty in adoption, we, our child, and the birth family will all experience a profound loss that we will live with for the rest of our lives. Because we are choosing open adoption, we will also be entering into what we hope will be a life-long relationship with another family, whom we will not know well before we commit. This will be a challenge, but a welcome and potentially very rewarding one. While we are thrilled and excited to experience the special joy that adoption brings, it will not ever be "just" an easy little thing we chose to do one day. And Now, Part 2 Another common comment one hears when adopting (perhaps second only to "just adopt, then you'll get pregnant!" or the delightful, always appreciated and often forgotten "congratulations, you'll be great parents!") is the dreaded "You're adopting? Did you hear about couple who adopted and then....[enter Adoption Gone Awry (AGA) horror story here]?" Yes, it does seem, thanks to the lovely media attention these stories attract, everyone and his/her mother has heard of Adoptions Gone Awry (otherwise known as dissolution or reversal of adoption) though they account for less than 0.1 (yes, that is a decimal point there) percent of adoptions nationwide (Groza and Rosenberg, 1998). There is, of course, a higher instance of birthparents choosing to parent after the birth (but not placement) of an infant, and though these failed matches are very difficult, they are also a reality to be expected, an a price we pay for the many benefits of matching before before a child is born. Sadly, most folks do not hear about all the good stories, the hundreds of thousands of adoptions that go smoothly and according to plans thanks to fair, protective adoption laws, diligent attorneys and adoption agencies, effective, progressive counseling and social work, and loads of education, prep work and careful planning. Again, from my experience, I do believe those who spout these AGA horror stories generally tend to have good intentions. They are friends, family, coworkers or acquaintances who want to warn the potential adoptive parents and protect them from undue pain. But how, exactly, do they expect us to react to such comments? Do they think maybe we will change our mind and not adopt, therefore avoiding the potential pain? Is living child free a better alternative? Or maybe they think that we just don't know that there is the potential for heartache when we adopt (which takes us back to “just adopt,� the myth that one comes lightly & blindly to adoption)and need to be educated? It seems people must honestly think that we, the potential adoptive parents, have not thought of AGA, and have not spent hours upon hours researching adoption laws and processes, choosing an reputable agency (or attorney, etc) based on this, while reading countless books that address this and other adoption issues and fears. And I guess they just don't realize that Adoption Gone Awry is very likely the number one fear that most adoptive parents have, and that it is what we think about frequently, late at night when we are lying in bed, or as we obsessively google statistics on a lazy Sunday afternoon. Its funny though...I mean, how often do pregnant couples, upon announcing their happy news, get bombarded with warnings about the risks of pregnancy, including miscarriage (1 in 5), stillbirth (1 in 7), birth defects (1 in 33) and all the severe and possibly deadly health risks (gestational diabetes, pre-eclampsia, hellp syndrome, placental abruption, etc) associated with it? I would imagine most of us know that pregnancy has its risks, and that most women choosing to get or stay pregnant will do their research, or at least be aware of these risks. Most people also know enough not to bring up these kinds of things up with the pregnant woman, especially at their first announcement; we try to be supportive and positive, to not feed into her greatest fears. Adoptive parents do not get that luxury, it seems, even though most people don't really even know the risks (though they may imagine they do). The statistics speak for themselves here....it appears to me the likelihood of something going wrong with a pregnancy is far more common than the likelihood of Adoption Gone Awry. I find this disconnect odd, but chalk it up to the fact that because adoption has been under wraps of secrecy for much of its past, many folks just don't know any better. There are still so many folks who have not (knowingly) been personally touched by adoption, or that know many positive adoption stories. The word adoption is still linked to a hidden shadowy fear, based on misinformation, or lack of it. Perhaps it is also due to the fact that there is no growing belly in front of them; that to them the news of adoption is still "just" a possibility with a very fuzzy timeline, not the solid reality that it is to the adoptive parents. I think, for many people, until they see that baby in the adoptive parents arms, they don't quite believe it is real, and so they are able to bring up all the frightening (generally unfounded) things they've heard or believe without concern for the expectant parents feelings. And so it appears to be up to folks like us, regular people choosing adoption, those adopted or touched by adoption, to tell folks how it really is, the highs and the lows, the truths as we encounter them. I really do not mind discussing it all, though I would recommend avoiding the two aforementioned comments in our very first discussion. Otherwise, I may have to resort to something similar to this or this...