Intrepid Murmurings

On Knocking Out The Tigers, Etc
So things are going well in our birthing classes. They are based loosely on the book Birthing From Within, which I have been reading (slowly) over the past few weeks as well. One exercise we had last week, which we were supposed to ponder over the week as homework, was our “deepest question” about childbirth and/or parenting. In the book, Pam England refers to something similar, when talking about finding your “tiger”, or your deep-seated fears or worries about childbirth and/or parenting. The concept is that just like a physical threat (like a tiger showing up while you are trying to give birth), even imagined or perceived dangers — things in your mind — can engage the body's fight or flight response, affect your physiology, and therefore slow or stop your labor from progressing until it is dealt with (or, more likely, you get unpleasant interventions to “move things along”). These are not fleeting worries, but the kind that tend to recur, over and over again. Things like being uncomfortable or not trusting your doctor/birth attendant, not being comfortable with the place where you are giving birth, feeling not ready or unable to be a parent, etc. Ideally, you ponder this all ahead of time, recognize and deal with the tigers ahead of time, so that you are at peace when it is time to labor. The others in the class all had some great worries/fears/questions, which all seemed important to deal with. There was emotion, some people opened up and were really honest and truthful about their questions. Lots of concerns about being a good parent, and self-perception,etc. Yes, very touchy-feely indeed. I felt weird, because I can't come up with any questions. My tiger is that I think I have no tigers. Am I just hiding something from myself? Ignoring the tigers? I don't think so, but it could be. Don't get me wrong, I have plenty of worries!!! Mostly about birth. Will I be able to handle the pain without drugs? Will I be a big wimp and change my mind about drugs right from the start, or right at the end when things get really tough, just because the are easily available (despite my beliefs that they can cause more problems down the line)? Will I be able to assert myself and represent my desires even if they conflict with those of the hospital staff? Especially when I am in pain and labor la la land? But these are all really normal worries, and things I can't really know until I am there, in the moment. Even if I do change my mind or the birth goes differently than I'd hoped, I am not too worried about being totally angst-ridden about it. I know I cannot control or plan the circumstances of my child's birth, though I can prepare myself and have some tools and methods of coping with whatever the outcome is. In truth, I know I had some of these “tigers” or “deep questions”, but I think in the process of all this trying and waiting for a baby, I have done the work, and have dealt with them. Whatever parenting questions or fears I had before have dissipated with my experiences working with young children, the years of thinking/dreaming/talking about parenting with Lonnie, and, of course, the whole adoption application process. There is nothing like proving yourself on paper, discussing your fears, strengths and weaknesses in hours of counseling and interview sessions, and having the people around you gush in writing about what great parents you will be to boost your confidence and make you feel ready for all of this. Though its intrusive and a pain in the ass, too, in some ways its a really great thing! However, dealing with the childbirth fears was a more recent affair. Those “tigers” are ones I've known I've had for years and years, but didn't make myself deal with until I actually got pregnant. Until recently, I was most definitely scared of the thought of childbirth. Terrified, might be a better description, actually! Mostly this stemmed from knowing very little about it all, and growing up in a culture that equates childbirth to danger, pain, and a medical problem to be managed and treated, not a natural process. As soon as I actually saw the two pink lines, I knew deep down I would finally have to deal with those fears. I eased myself into it, first just reading about pregnancy itself and avoiding the labor chapters, but since then I've come a long way and feel pretty good. I've gone from thinking I'd really much prefer to be totally knocked out with a scheduled c-section to actually wanting to participate fully and alertly with the whole birth thing, sans medical interventions. Thats a big change! So we shall see in the course of the next few months if any tigers decide to (re)appear. Right now I am feeling pretty good.